Angel of Fire
by tessinciucy
Summary: Deeks is trying to deal with a tragic event, but coping is not as easy as it might seem. Something unexpected will give him a new vision of life and the strength to go on. Just a little one shot that popped out of my mind. :)


This is just a little one shot that came to as I found on line an article about an event happened in my town several years ago. It's probably doesn't make any sense and it will end up being a cheesy nonsense, but you know, it's hard to stop your mind when it comes up with something. So here it is (even I am not so sure about it).

As always I have to thank Xwing12 for her help :)

Usual disclaimers apply here: I don't own NCIS Los Angeles or any of its characters... even if I'd like to (I don't think they would be that happy though) ;)

* * *

Angel of Fire

There was a void inside his heart. A deep hole that was engulfing his whole soul.

He was trying to fight it. Trying to find a way to get out of all of this, but the more he fought, the more he felt like he was drowning, like he was being dragged down towards the bottom of an infinite and consuming darkness.

He had forced himself to look for an escape, for a way out, but nothing could give him peace. Nothing…

He had screwed things up this time and other people had paid the highest price. He had made a mistake and innocent lives had been taken away. Forever.

Fathers who would never see their kids grow, mothers who would never feed their children, boys and girls who would never exchange their first kiss. His fault. This was only his fault and he could not live with this guilt, with this burden weighing on his heart. He had no right to live when innocent people had died because of his recklessness, his stupidity.

He had sensed the faces of his teammates on him when he was dragged out of that building, leaving fire and destruction behind him. He had felt their judging eyes on him and it hurt. It still hurt.

His throat was still burning as the acre smell of fire filled it. His eyes still stung. In his ears, the cries of who didn't make it out alive still resounded. Those who died because he was not able to reach them.

His bandaged hands clenched tightly, ignoring the pain. This was nothing compared to what those 13 people felt before dying, before the fire got to them, before the smoke filled their lungs, suffocating them.

13…

He didn't want to think, but it was useless. The memory was still too vivid, stuck in his mind. If only he hadn't been so stupid, if only he could have…

He couldn't even finish the sentence in his head. He wanted to cry, but tears couldn't form in his eyes. His whole body trembled uncontrollably. His breathing became troubled. His chest constricted in a tight vice. His fingers moved looking for his gun, feeling the cold metal between them. He wanted to end all of this suffering, but he was such a coward. He didn't even have the courage to pull the trigger. He was such a failure, a disappointment even to himself.

The gun slid down from his hand, falling onto his lap and without any warning his shoulder started shaking as he sobbed, unable to stop. At a certain point, he realized that he couldn't breathe - that air couldn't get to his lungs. Instinctively, he brought a hand to his chest, to fight the flash of excruciating pain, but it was impossible to stop the agony that engulfed him. If breathing was not so hard he would have chuckled at the irony. This was how his life was supposed to end. Fate didn't make it the first time, but maybe it could finally do it now. So he stopped fighting, hoping that death finally took him away from this life that had become a torture to him. His time was finally come…

His head sank into the pillow, his arms fell limp on the mattress.

* * *

"Deeks!" Kensi's alarmed voice resounded in the room when she saw him sprawled on the bed, unmoving with his gun lying on his lap.

She got closer and she heard his ragged breath, his dead rattle. Without thinking twice, she grabbed the oxygen mask and put it on his face, before pressing the emergency call button.

In a blink of an eye, doctors and nurses stepped into the room working on her partner. "Please, you need to leave now," one of them told Kensi who, reluctantly, walked out of his room sending one last worried glance to Deeks. She sat in one of the plastic chairs outside and she waited…

Two hours later, she was back at his bedside. The doctor said that it had been a close call, that they almost lost him. His lungs were still very weak because of the big amount of smoke that he inhaled just five days ago during the fire at the Black Room Cinema. Deeks had been there because there was a marathon of the most beautiful and famous surfing movies. He had asked her to go with him, but she could only join him after the first movie, because she had already planned a night with her mother.

Right during the showing though, hell exploded in another room. A fire took life and soon panic spread amongst the crowd gathered at the cinema. When he realized what was happening, Deeks started helping people to get to the exit or to the fire exit. He managed to get a lot of people out. He was even out himself when someone told him that there were people still trapped in one of the screening rooms, so he didn't think twice and went back inside. Too bad the fire was already too widespread. It blocked his way, but he tried to reach the screaming people still inside. Sadly he opened a wrong door and an explosion caught him, almost killing him. The firemen managed to save him just in time, but for 13 people there was nothing left to do. It was too late.

Kensi cast a concerned look at her partner. In the fire, he really risked to die himself. The explosion had caught him in full force, causing him burns of various degree, a concussion and a couple of broken ribs. But what worried her the most was the fact that his eyes had taken the brunt and right now, he was completely blind.

Her gaze moved to the bandage covering them and her heart bled at the idea that their joyous sparkle was gone forever.

The doctor had told her and the team that it was still too soon for a definitive diagnosis, but the risk that he would never get his sight back was extremely high. Sadly, this was not even the worst of his problems because the cop was feeling so guilty that he was not even fighting.

Kensi cast a look at the gun positioned under the bedside table, remembering where she found it when she had walked into the room the moment her partner was having the attack. With a steady movement and taking a deep breath, she picked it up and placed it in the back of her pants.

"What did you want to do, Deeks?" she whispered, closing her eyes. She reopened them and took his hand in hers. "You have to fight Deeks. You did good, you saved a lot of lives, why don't you realize it? If it wasn't for you…" she paused as tears veiled her eyes, when she felt his hand clench around hers. "Deeks?"

"If I told you that I'm still sleeping, you would leave me alone?" came the weak reply behind the oxygen mask. Deeks didn't need the use of his eyes to know that Kensi was giving him a scrutinizing and inquisitive stare. He was not stupid and was aware that she was mad and, at the same time, worried about him., But he was not ready to be lectured or convinced that everything was fine. Nothing was fine. Not at all. Innocent people had died because of his ineptitude, his stupidity.

"I won't go anywhere, no matter what you say, Deeks. Live with that," she simply told him, taking his hand in hers once again, after he had retreated it from her few moments ago. She needed to let him know where she was, to let him know that she was there for him.

Her touch was so gentle, so tender, that for an instant it warmed his heart. But it was for just a moment. "Please, Kens, go away…" He tried to remove the mask from his face, but she stopped him.

"What do you think you're doing? You idiot! You need this." Her voice raised as her frustration grew. "Damn it, Deeks! You need to take care of yourself if you want to get better!"

"I don't deserve to get better. I should have died in the fire too …" he murmured with a feeble, weak voice.

This was too much for Kensi. "Tell me you're kidding so I don't have to kill you myself!"

"They're dead, Kensi, and I couldn't do anything to help them." His words were filled with so much pain, with so much sorrow that his partner was almost shocked.

"Deeks, you almost died to save them and…" she paused unable to go on as her glance landed on the bandage protecting his eyes. "You're still paying the price for your courageous act…"

Deeks chuckled bitterly. "I might be blind, not able to see anymore, but they're dead. And I'm still here. It's not fair…"

She didn't know what to say. She had never seen him like this, helpless and resigned to his fate. It was like he had lost all of his will to live in the fire. It was like his soul was gone to pieces and no one was able to put it back together. "Do you know how many lives you saved? With your quick thinking, you probably avoided a bloodshed!"

"Kensi, 13 people died. It's a bloodshed in my book," he snapped, shaking like a leaf and coughing.

Kensi was immediately helping him into a more comfortable position, to ease his breathing. "Hey, easy there…" she told him, making soothing circles on his back.

Slowly and painfully, his breathing finally got back to normal and his body started to relax in her arms. And before she realized it, Kensi noticed that Deeks had succumbed to his weariness and had fallen asleep.

She helped him on the mattress, guiding his head to the pillow. "Get some rest now," she whispered, stroking gently his hair, brushing away a golden lock from his forehead. "Just get some rest. I'll keep you company."

* * *

A couple of hours later, Deeks woke up with a start, almost jumping out of the bed. His breathing was labored and he was covered by perspiration. Another nightmare.

He was still shaking as pained screams were still echoing in his ears. The screams of those men, women and children who didn't make it. The screams they made as the fire was burning them.

A wave of nausea rose up through his throat as the acrid taste of bile filled his mouth. He knew that if it wasn't for his damaged eyes, he would be crying right at this very moment.

A sad chuckle escaped from his lips at the thought that even that had been taken away from him. His stupidity had the best, that was for sure. He was not even able to cry now…

He felt a gentle hand helping him to his pillow, but he didn't recognize to whom it belonged. It was not Kensi, nor Hetty or Nell. This person had a different scent. She was definitively a woman and smelled like sweet fruits. "Who are you?" Deeks asked curiously, consciously knowing that the woman was a stranger, someone who had never put a foot in his room before.

"My name is Alicia Bedford. You don't know me, Mr. Deeks and maybe I should have waited for your partner to come back, but I thought you needed help and…" she paused, putting a glass of water close to his lips, after she removed temporarily the oxygen mask from his face. "Drink this, it will give some relief to your throat. At least it works for me…"

Deeks drank avidly thinking about what the woman told him. "Miss Bedford, I…"

"It's Mrs. Bedford, but you can call me Alicia," she replied gently.

There was a kindness, a tenderness in her voice, in her words that relaxed him, putting him at ease. "And you can simply call me Deeks, almost everyone does… or Marty."

There was a moment of embarrassed silence between them, until Alicia decided to break it. "I wanted to thank you, Marty…" she said feebly.

"Thank me? Why?" he wondered, confused.

"I was there, at the cinema, with my family… and I… I saw what you did. You saved my life, my kids', my mum's…" There was a heavy dose of sadness in her tone and her voice cracked a little.

Deeks felt a pang at his stomach, understanding immediately. "Alicia, what happened? Who…" he was not able to go on; a knot formed in his throat, clenching it tightly, making it hard to breath.

"I… my husband, Robert. He was there with me, with my three kids and with my mum…" Her eyes were veiled with tears and she couldn't hold any longer. She buried her face in her hands and burst out crying.

If Deeks was feeling bad before, he felt horrible now hearing Alicia's sobs. He didn't even know what to say as a new wave of guilt engulfed him.

The woman collected herself, though, and continued talking, "But if it wasn't for you, for your courage, we would have been among the people who died there as well. You saved our lives, Marty."

The cop bit his lip, nervously, hating himself because he hadn't managed to save Robert and his family this pain. "I'm sorry I couldn't save him. I should have done something more and maybe all of those people…" Instinctively his hands played together and he was not able to control them. A big weight seemed to crush his chest and his breathing became even more labored.

Alicia realized what was happening so she put a hand on his cheek, careful not to hurt him, but letting him feel her presence. Then she fixed the oxygen mask over his face. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Marty. If it wasn't for you, many more people would have died that night. There were hundreds of people in that place but no one tried to help. Most of them only tried to save themselves. You didn't think, not for a single second, to save yourself. You thought about the others and it's only because of you that a lot of people survived and were able to go back to their houses, to their families."

"But I couldn't save those 13! I couldn't save Robert!" He turned his face away, ashamed of being reassured and consoled by this woman who had lost her husband because of his ineptitude.

"The firemen said that if you were not able to open that safe exit door, there would have been more than hundreds of casualties." She told him firmly, putting a piece of paper in his hands. "This is a drawing my daughter Carrie did for you. She is 9 and she begged me to give it to you. She wanted to meet you, but I didn't want to disturb you and your rest more than I have already done…"

Deeks' heart beat madly in his chest as it was ready to explode. He forced himself to say something, but his words came out hoarser than he ever imagined, "You didn't disturb me. I…"

Alicia took one of his bandaged hands in hers, squeezing it gently. "I know this drawing is a stupid idea right now because you can't see it, but I'm sure that all of those 13 people are rooting for you and keeping a close eye on you, helping you to recover. I know my Robert would do that, so I'm sure that soon, you will be ok. Just don't be too hard on yourself. Promise me you will work on this, please… ok?"

He remained silent, touched once again by the woman's kindness. She had lost her husband. Her family would always pay the price of his stupidity, but she was there comforting him.

Deeks felt a tender touch on his hand and it was like something cracked inside of him. It was like the dyke was finally broken.

"Promise me, Marty, that you won't let the guilt kill you. You are a good man. You have to believe it. You're an angel…" Alicia paused, allowing her words to be imprinted in his brain, "Promise me, Marty. Can you do it?"

Deeks' eyes were burning for the attempt of the tears to form, but he didn't care about the pain he was feeling at that moment. There was no physical pain that could overcome the emotional pang that was engulfing this woman who, in spite of everything, was exhorting him to fight, to start living again. He couldn't ignore this, so he nodded, sobbing.

"Thank you," Alicia told him excited, fighting her own tears, embracing him. "Thank you Marty. You have to live in the name of whoever didn't make it and in the name of all the people you saved."

The cop lost himself in Alicia's tiny but strong arms until exhaustion and emotional weariness drove him to sleep.

The woman guided his sleepy form to the pillow, caressed his scraped face and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. "Sleep well, Marty…" Then she walked away, without looking back.

Outside the room she met Kensi, who, with teary eyes, engulfed her in a sincere hug. "Thank you, Alicia. It means a lot to me and to him. He… he needed something to grip on, to find the will to fight…" the agent said, full of gratitude.

"I am the one who has to thank you because you gave me the opportunity to do something to repay him for everything he did in that place. He was really brave, risking his life for strangers. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here talking to you."

"He's just like that. Deeks would do everything to help people, even if doing so, he puts his own life in danger…" Kensi felt a knot forming in her throat, realizing how close she had been to lose him this time.

"I wish he will get better soon. I'm sure that there are so many people rooting for him that he can only end up being perfectly fine," Alicia smiled, holding the agent's hand. "Stay close to him. He needs a real friend and I am sure you need one too. Don't let his stubbornness push you away. Men are too proud sometimes, but sooner or later, Marty won't be able to ignore what his heart feels." She gave a squeeze to the agent's hand and then, smiling, she turned on her heels and left.

Kensi took a deep breath, reflecting on the other woman's words, then she walked inside the room, sat in the chair and held Deeks' hand in hers. "You can push me away as much as you want, but I will always be here for you, Deeks. You can't get rid of me."

After several minutes in which she thought he was asleep, she felt his fingers curl around hers as he simply whispered, "Stay."

Kensi's heart melted and she was not able to hold back the tears this time. She took his hand towards her, put it against her face, then she whispered, "Always."

* * *

_Three months later_

Kensi stopped her car in front of the nice house with the white wooden fence surrounding it. The neighborhood was quiet, kids were playing along the streets and people amiably talked from one garden to another.

She cast a worried look at the silent figure of her partner, best friend… boyfriend, sitting beside her. Deeks was still in the passenger seat, thinking, his mind, miles away.

During his long recovery, due to the injuries he sustained in the fire, they grew closer and closer, until one day, without even realizing it, the cop had finally found the courage to kiss her, allowing his true feelings to emerge. From that moment, they became inseparable.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" she asked him, taking his hand in hers.

Deeks took a moment too much to answer, but then, brought her hand to his lips, kissing it tenderly. "It's ok, I have already told you that this is something I have to do alone."

Kensi sighed, closing her eyes. She could feel him trembling, as his insecurities showed in the way he carried himself, in the way his shoulders seemed hunched under a heavy weight. But she understood why he wanted to do it in his own way, without any help. "Ok, I'll wait until you'll get inside, then call me when you want me to pick you up…. But if you need me, you know I'm just a call away, ok?" She leaned towards him and kissed him, caressing his handsome face.

"Thanks," he simply replied, flashing a little smile before opening the car door and getting out of it without looking back.

The sun was shining high in the sky and the cop had to shield his eyes. In spite of the sunglasses covering them, they were still too sensitive to the light. The doctors had admitted that it was a miracle that he was slowly regaining his sight. For weeks they feared that the damage they sustained was too extensive and that he would never get his sight back, but luckily, they were wrong.

One day, when a nurse was changing the bandage, a month after the fire, a stabbing pain made him cry out when the sunrays hit his face and he had to instinctively close his eyes, shutting them. The little gesture caught everyone by surprise, but it was the first sign that those blue orbs were alive again. A couple of delicate surgeries later and a couple of months of patient waiting, Deeks was finally able to move without any help. His sight was not as perfect as it could be yet, but it was just a matter of time now.

He passed the white fence and stopped in front of the door. Taking a deep breath, he finally found the courage to knock.

A tiny woman, with shoulder length blond hair and green eyes stared at him, unable to hide her surprise. "Marty! Oh my God…" Alicia Bedford engulfed him in a tight embrace as a few tears rolled down her face. "I… it's so good to see you… oh I'm sorry, I…"

Deeks smiled, lifting his sunglasses for a moment. "It's ok Alicia. I see three of you and actually you're a bit blurred, but it's getting better." He positioned the glasses at their place, nodding.

"It's fantastic. I am so happy for you… Please come in," the woman told him, allowing him to step inside. "What brings you here? Oh wait… did you come here all alone? Was it safe to…"

He stopped her taking her hand. "Kensi drove me here," the cop said calmly, biting his lip nervously. "I… I needed to come here and thank you personally."

"Thank me? I don't understand, why do you need to thank me?" Alicia gestured him to sit on the couch. "Do you… would you like something to drink? A tea… coffee?"

"Coffee would be great," Deeks replied, almost shyly. While the kind woman went to the kitchen, he studied the room and couldn't stop feeling a little pang in his stomach. There were pictures everywhere of the Bedford family, of Robert with Alicia, of Robert with his kids. Robert Bedford had been a small man himself, with a bush of black hair, an open smile and small dark eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. In every picture he was smiling and his eyes were shining in happiness. It was clear that this had been a happy family, but now, things were different. Robert was gone, because of that damn fire. The cop reached for one framed picture. Robert and Alicia were surrounded by their three kids, two boys and a girl, Carrie. All the kids had the same black hair, but Carrie's eyes are her mother's, green and bright.

Alicia came back in the living room while he was staring at the picture. "He always had a smile for everyone. Robert loved his family, his kids… he loved the life…" There was a lot of affection in those simple words, a lot of love, even if veiled with a bit of sadness, but not even a single hint of regret. "He had this attitude in life, seeing the good in everyone…"

"I'm sorry, I… shouldn't…" Deeks put the frame down, feeling like an intruder. He stood up abruptly, ready to leave. "I am truly sorry. I…" unable to utter a single word, he passed a shaking hand through his blond hair. "I wanted to thank you, I couldn't do it properly when you came to visit me in the hospital…"

"Did you keep your word? Did you fight, Marty?" Alicia asked seriously, moving towards him and taking his hand in hers and gently touching his cheek. "You promised me, remember?"

He bit his lip again, as his nervousness grew. "I tried, but I am not so sure I overcame the guilt. Look at these pictures… I am so sorry, if I did something more, maybe Robert would still be here, with you…" Tears formed in his eyes. It stung, like hundreds of pins were puncturing them.

"No one blames you, Marty. No one. Actually it's quite the opposite, when will you start truly believing it yourself?" She felt bad for this man standing so unsure in front of her. A man who was not able to see all the good he did for so many people, to see how many lives he saved, remembering only the ones he couldn't help. A deep sadness clenched her heart.

"Maybe never…" Deeks admitted with a feeble voice. He took a deep breath, inhaling gravely. He put his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, finding the paper he had folded in one of them. "Can you do me a favor?" he asked timidly.

"Of course… you know you can ask me whatever you want," she smiled at him, once again, curious about his request.

"Would you mind thanking your daughter for me? I… her drawing… it was… It was beautiful."

"A drawing? I'm sorry but I… I don't know what you're talking about," the woman was a bit confused as she tried to collect her memories. She had been pretty messed up in those days following the fire, so she probably missed something.

The cop took out a sheet from his pocket and opened it in front of her. It was a drawing of a child representing a big fire and a figure standing in the middle of it, surrounded by a gold aura, protecting two women and three kids.

Alicia couldn't hold the tears this time as she remembered Carrie's drawing, the one her daughter had begged her to give to Deeks. "You still have it…" she sobbed, touching the piece of paper with her trembling fingers.

"This was the first thing I wanted to look at when I was finally able to put some images into focus. It helped me to go through a rough period. It gave me strength. Every time I felt down or I wanted to give up, I took a look at it and it helped me." His voice cracked, remembering those tough days in which he really wanted to end his life, consumed, eaten by the guilt. Carrie's drawing was his ray of light, a little drop of hope that got him through those moments of despair.

"Why… why don't you thank her yourself? She is going to be here in few minutes… She wanted to meet you so badly."

Alicia's request took him by surprise. He didn't expect it at all. Deeks had always been good with kids; he had a way with them, gaining their trust immediately, maybe because, deep down, he was still a kid himself. But the idea of meeting Carrie scared him, actually it terrified him. The little girl lost one of the most important figures in her life because he was not able to do something more, how could he be able to face her?

He was still debating whether to accept the woman's offer or not, when the door of the house opened and a tiny little girl with dark hair and sparkling green eyes rushed inside. "Mommy!" she shouted happily, stopping on her feet when she realized that someone else was in her living room. Someone she never expected to meet.

Carrie's eyes filled with tears and for a moment an awkward silence engulfed the house. Then, without any warning, she ran towards Deeks with open arms hugging his legs "Marty…. You're here…"

The cop's heart literally melted and after a moment of hesitation, he hugged the little girl back, lifting her in his tight embrace, holding her like she was the most important and precious thing in his whole existence. "Thank you, little one…. Thank you…" he whispered to her, while stroking her dark hair gently. Tears rolled copiously down his face as he sobbed uncontrollably, shaking by shivers.

"Why are you crying, Marty?" Carrie asked innocently. "Angels don't cry…"

Deeks broke the hug, putting her down and kneeling to look straight at her eyes. "Angels? I'm not an angel, Carrie. I'm just…"

The little girl stopped him with a mischievous and kind grin, putting her small finger on his lips. "You are my angel, Marty. You saved my mum, Tommy and Sammy, my grandma and me. And mummy said you tried to save daddy, but he was too good and the angels in Heaven wanted him with them." She spoke with a firm voice for a nine years old girl. "You're an angel… my angel." She launched once again into his arms.

A warm feeling engulfed his body. The cop hadn't felt like this in ages… at peace with himself and with everything that had happened to him, to these people and to all the others involved in the fire. For the first time in months, he was truly realizing that maybe he did something good, allowing this little girl and other girls and boys like her, to have the chance of living their life… maybe, all in all, he was not a failure.

Carrie sneaked out of his hug and gently wiped away the tears from his face. "Don't cry Marty… please…"

"Ok…" he replied, forcing himself to smile.

Alicia observed the entire scene, crying herself. It was such a touching moment. She owed so much to this man and she was glad that her family and she were able to help him and give him a chance to forgive himself. He deserved it and deserved a bit of happiness too.

"Marty, would you like to see my room? Can I show you some of my drawings?" the little girl asked, taking Deeks' hand and dragging him already towards her bedroom.

"Carrie, sweetie, maybe Marty has something else to do. It's not polite to force him to do what you want," her mother scolded her, but the cop interrupted her.

"It's ok, Alicia. I… I don't have plans…" he smiled, thankfully. He couldn't describe how he felt at this moment; the little girl had simply stole his heart in a blink of an eye, without any warning. She had touched a part of his soul that he almost had forgotten he had… and it was good, too good to express with words.

Alicia watched them leave with a peaceful expression on her face that mirrored theirs. She moved to go back to the kitchen when her eyes caught a glimpse of Carrie's drawing lying on the couch where Deeks left it. It was a childish and simple piece of art, but with such a deep meaning. Her lips curled into a kind smile when she read the few words written on it in a light blue color.

She picked up the sheet, folded it carefully and placed it in the cop's jacket pocket. She didn't want him to forget. He had to remember for the rest of his life what he did. He had to remember that for all those people he saved, for her family, for Carrie, Marty Deeks would always be the _Angel of Fire_.

The end.

* * *

Cheesy, definitely cheesy! :)

For who was so nice to ask me about it, I am still working on my new story, but I think I won't be able to start posting it until I'll be back from my vacation in August. So I can only wish Happy Holiday to all of you who will have some time off too and a good time to all the others. Enjoy yourself!


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